i am trying to work out what my ideal life would look like so that i have a specific goal to work toward. my life is pretty good except that dating men causes me way too much stress to really justify continuing to do it, or, i need to change my method.
males irritate me, increasingly with time. they're constantly interrupting my flow, constantly trying to get into my life. it's not that they're necessarily so terrible. i've just come to REALLY love and need time alone, in blessed silence, and not be bothered by their constant texts and unnecessary attempts to start a conversation when i know they just want to get in between my legs. i wish any of them brought me any kind of fulfillment beyond the sexual but they never do, and it's not for lack of trying. if it's a game of numbers, well, i've been around. i feel like i've dated/slept with/kissed/flirted with/befriended roughly the same guy hundreds of times and they're all more or less the same. whatever it is i want, they don't have enough of it to keep me.
I'm sexually satisfied, that's for sure. No complaints there. Sex is TOO easy. I snap my fingers and voila, someone is in my bed. The part I don't like is how they then make me feel obligated to see them all the time. I find that part draining. Because I can't keep up with boys' needs and also have female friend time (my priority), or get much of anything else done with them constantly bothering me. When I ignore them they become even more annoying, so I have to respond quickly, which means less time for me to do what I want, or what I need to get done.
Not often but on occasion, i'll sleep with one who doesn't obsessively text afterward, or want someone who doesn't pursue me back. Then I just kinda feel like shit. Basically either way they make me feel like shit. There's no winning.
So I am at a crossroads. I have a few choices. I can attempt to commit to the life of a nun. I can stop calling myself bisexual and start advertising loudly that i am lesbian / asexual / married / or anything else that might keep boys away. Or, I can be very openly unapologetically poly and continue to have sexual needs met and just practice constantly saying no, no, no... Or, I can run away, sell my house in the city and move to the woods in a place with no cell signal. :) OR. get rid of all current boys and pursuers and be totally completely alone for a while before finding that one person who won't annoy and stress the shit out of me to the point of illness. It could happen. I'm open to the possibility, but I have major doubts that a male could ever be that person for me. So this last option would be to seek THE woman.
But, what if, while with one woman I suddenly find myself craving penis? SUUUCCKK. I'd have to either just sacrifice that desire forever, or be poly.
So basically, it seems like all roads lead eventually to being poly. Which I'm sure would have other problems that could also kill my soul.
Being single and a cat lady is the safest course of action, and probably healthiest for me. But wow I'd have to say no a lot. At some point I'm sure lust would win and I'd slip and fall into a pattern with someone and be trapped all over again.
There has to be a way.
It's too much energy and wastes a lot of time having several gentleman callers (and a couple women), and is stressful to keep up with all of them and see them all enough, but I guess it's nice never having to get too sad or feel alone in a bad way. I just don't know how long I can keep it up. At some point someone is going to want monogamy. And I won't know how to explain to them that I am seeing a god awful amount of people at the same time right now just to get what I would like to find in one person, except one person can't do all that for me. A simplified life would be wonderful, but so far the only person who seems to have everything I need is my cat. So maybe that's my answer...
2:08 a.m. - 2015-09-04