He had the audacity to text me late last night saying he'd never cheat because he loves me. This morning I responded that my doctor said his story was highly unlikely. Based on my results, he's a liar and a cheater. Funny, no response since then.
So, I have this physical pain in my neck and chest, the manifestation of emotional pain and a lot of suppressed, quiet, rage. I used to feel anxiety in my gut which caused real health issues. Now I'm literally up to my neck.
Earlier I was trying to nap but my heart was pounding so violently. I feel like my heart wants to escape my body. My own heart even wants to abandon me, and I wish it would.
I miss not feeling like every living moment is intensely uncomfortable without weed. I accomplished so much, I had so much to share with the world, and now I just wait for days to end, numbing my best attribute, my brain. I used to love my brain, hanging out with it, enjoying my imagination and secret commentaries, outsmarting dumb boys in classes. I know it's still in there, but it's very overwhelmed with sadness. I would very much like it to stop now please.
I'll feel better when the weed kicks in. I hate it here. I hate feeling trapped, and repeatedly shit on. I hope I have strength left to move past this and into something more productive and tolerable. I'm working on it with my therapist.
I exercised a little today and took all my vitamins and am trying to gain weight back. I feel low and weakened but not defeated yet. There's still just enough fight in me to try to get out of this mess. I am so angry and so hurt and I cannot stop crying.
5:36 p.m. - 2019-11-13