I don't want to be disappointed anymore and the healthy thing would be to cut off everyone who habitually disappoints due to their addictions or making me feel used or whatever. But that would mean having almost no social circle whatsoever. It would radically limit my social and sexual options and I'd go back to near total isolation, which feels limiting. I can practice detachment, but only to a point. I am human and I have feelings and it's not healthy to deny feelings either. I have anxiety about meeting new people because it will inevitably open new cans of worms. I clearly have ptsd. I want a viable blueprint for how I can avoid chronic disappointers, without boxing myself into a corner, at the other end of the extreme.
If I was seeing myself in third person, what advice would I give myself?
I think I'd say, honey, sweetheart, there are in fact a few people in my life who I could reach out to more. Go through your contacts and select the ones who are healthier to be around and put only those ones in your favorite contacts list, so that you can say hello on a day when you feel stronger and a little less raw. But it's okay to take a little break from people too.
You have me, and I will never leave your side no matter what. All your ancestors are with you, all your memories, your education, the books you've read, the places you've been, every learning experience, your mind, your heart. These are powerful. Your will is powerful. So many others with fewer obstacles than you, gave up years ago. Look at you, still standing firmly, alive, fighting for the right reasons. You have made so much progress already! I understand you and I love you more deeply than anyone else can. Trust me. You can do it.
You know how you have that sense of adventure that makes you a magnet for pleasure-seekers but that many seem unable to fully grasp? Whenever you feel stuck, girl, use THAT. THAT is what will re-light your spark and get you into new and better things and overcome any fear or barrier life throws at you. It's a gift.
And don't feel guilty about leaving people who cause unnecessary stress. Straight up tell them the truth, kindly but firmly, then gtfo. You don't have to save them. Save yourself first. YOU are your priority right now.
Today I am grateful for:
my mind
my soul
my body
my health
my adorable sweet kitten and her affectionate morning kisses
noise cancelling headphones
coffee
nature
life.
11:24 a.m. - 2020-01-01