I want to BE love, I want love to emanate from my deepest being, to ooze out in sparkles and rainbows but I feel so dead. I won't say I've been totally defeated. But I need a recharge. I need to feed my mind only good things for a couple weeks solid. A mind/spirit vacation.
I can't sustain worrying about everyone if I don't worry about myself. I need a foundation in myself.
Last night after meditation as I was falling asleep I thought maybe I deny my own feelings to myself a little sometimes, to reenact what my parents did at crucial times when I needed to be told that my experience and my grief was valid, instead of denied or gaslighted.
In meditation I went back to the age of 17, the day my friend killed herself. The night before I did spells without following directions and I sincerely felt that I had thrown off the balance of nature and was responsible for her death. This added to the shock and pain of just knowing my friend was dead. That day was very strange and I wasn't the same after that. I stayed after school a few hours longer than usual with my close circle of friends, processing it together, hugging each other and crying.
I came home while the sun was still out and sat on my bed, still in shock. Then my parents started yelling at me, unusually, both of them together: "Why are you crying, we never met her, you're lying, you didn't even know her."
Apparently, I didn't have a right to be sad that my friend was dead. The same day it happened. I was very hurt by the opposite of empathy expressed by my parents. They thought it the best day to yell at me, like my day hadn't been bad enough. My parents never met her because her parents were inhumanely strict and never let her out of the house, so we only hung out at lunchtime and morning break in our small group of around six friends, including her. But one morning, after 4 years with her, she wasn't there. And I asked where ___ was. My friend said she killed herself. "How?" I asked. She put her finger in her mouth in the shape of a gun. That visual alone was traumatizing.
But I had a good circle of very close friends, and we got through it together, without my parents support. I am really lucky that I had good people around me who 100% validated my feelings and I feel they really cared about me. I feel bad that I push people away so much nowadays, so my social circles are quite a bit more distant than they used to be. I wasn't as jaded about life then... I shouldn't let life change me for the worse.
Anyway I think I need to focus more on listening more carefully to my feelings. Really really listen hard. Because sometimes I don't realize how upset I am until one little thing triggers really mean things to fly out of my mouth when I really could have reacted more smoothly. And then I realize, oh, I must have been suppressing some major resentment there.
I guess I have to forgive myself for not handling myself as well as I would have preferred yesterday and today. I think it's obvious there's stress in the air, and I am sensitive to these things. It activates all my traumas. I have ptsd about specific things and people are so uncareful and barbaric that it never heals. Every gunshot, every reference to fire, every death, every time I feel not understood. I become that horrified 17 year old, feeling like i'm delusional if I grieve. I always second-guess my own feelings and challenge them or ignore them... So no more of that. I need to strengthen this aspect of me so I can honor and validate my own experience. And I also need to stop dating my parents...
12:15 p.m. - 2020-06-26