I feel odd about all the times I tried to desire men and failed. A year or so ago I was stood up at Pride by the same woman for the second year in a row, and my friend was with her boyfriend, so I went out alone. I walked to a place near my house that has many memories, and sat at the bar. A Lebanese guy sat beside me and we started talking. We had adventures around town all day and I enjoyed his company. By the end of the night I was pretty drunk and he came home with me. He said he'd been waiting all day to be alone with me, that I drove him crazy, etc. I literally just wanted to sleep. But he whipped his dick out and he made me feel obligated to do something about it. I said I was tired and literally laid still while he jacked off on me. It felt gross. I made zero effort but he still texted me for weeks. I responded coldly to his texts and ignored a few. I feel bad about all the times I've been in similar situations. I feel bad for trying to get companionship when they primarily want sex. I only ever wanted deep connection and a little romance, and I don't want it to take up all my time and personal space. I think I make men feel bad about their bodies because I show so little interest. But they seem to like me even more because of it??? It's frustrating because I'd happily spend more time with men if they could just forget about their penises for five minutes. Passion for me is hard earned. Or I've lost interest in primal level connections which feel superficial. I don't know. It bores me. The outcome is always the same. Bodily fluids. Hoorah. It's nice sometimes but it's like ice cream. All sugar, no substance, and I feel like shit if I indulge too often. Sometimes I actually want vegetables.
Today I am grateful that the Alcoholic is fine, healthy, and back home. He wanted to come over after the hospital and I felt like kind of a dick that I said I wanted to go to sleep. And ended up staying up late. I'm glad he's alive, but I still wanted to be alone. Like wow, I must really value my alone time.
I am also grateful for my alone time.
10:37 a.m. - 2020-07-15