I am eating and that is a feat in itself these past couple of days.
I half assed meditated a lot today. I feel like I want to cry all the time but there are no tears. I really don't have the emotional strength to handle current events and a boyfriend taking over my apartment and making me feel like shit on top of that. All those little slights add up and make me so sexually turned OFF. I wish I wouldn't have bothered trying to help him. A little voice reminded me that this is always the outcome of trying to help him, but I ignored it. Guess I have to forgive myself for that, for the millionth time. It always takes several days to recover and normalize from his nonsense. Economic strain and pandemic stress amplify it all. I think it's okay to save my sanity and just accept that it's not healthy for me right now.
Seriously. It is fine. I can feel compassion without needing to give up everything for a guy I can't stomach most of the time. After a really long period of isolation, I just wanted a break from loneliness, like any human would. I got the brief relief I wanted. It is what it is. (I hate that phrase.) He still has a home until the end of the month. I don't need to worry yet because nothing has happened yet. He's usually very fast at getting someone to help him, or to find a new job. He knows a lot of people because he has bounced around so many jobs in this city. He's resourceful. I shouldn't worry. Worst case scenario, perhaps by the end of the month I'll miss him enough to tolerate him sleeping here and making me 24/7 exhausted. Ugh.
I actually thought it might come to this BEFORE pandemic, because of his issues with drinking and such. I imagined one day he'd become homeless or die from a stupid mistake and I'd be like, yeah, I pretty much saw that coming.
Men are so great. I'm so drained. But I'm working on trying to get myself back together.
5:40 p.m. - 2020-07-23