Today I feel homesick for every place my ancestors left, and all the communities here I left. I could just, email the people on my mind, to see how they're doing. But I always fear bothering people. Because maybe they don't feel like writing something thoughtful back and that's fine, but I don't want them to feel the pressure of feeling like they need to reply, you know what I mean? I know I'm ridiculous.
My old rabbi retired this year and I feel like I should say something, even though it's been a real long time since I participated in religion, because she taught me so much, and was so patient, and I feel like I owe her a thank you at least, for being a strong female role model, for being so SMART and so kind. Two things the world needs right now. I'm sure she's overwhelmed, sad, scared, horrified, by everything that's happened. I would retire too. And because her community was an aging one, I'm sure she's lost a large number of elderly people in her congregation, holocaust survivors, etc, it's heartbreaking to think how she must feel. Even though I basically abandoned the community there and went on to explore aspects of "spirituality" that don't quite fit into her traditional views, I am so grateful for the foundation she provided. She's old and I feel a persistent urge to say thank you, for everything. I feel like she was like my adoptive mother almost. It didn't go unnoticed.
I feel this way about several professors I had too. My black history professor who I TA'd for... I want to just hug him and say thank you and voice support and solidarity. My african dance teachers who so inspired me -- I hope they keep dancing. My witchy academic Middle Eastern Studies teacher who dove deep into kabbalah and Goddess histories, despite it angering one of the more conservative teachers. God I loved her, I want to BE her when I grow up. Maybe I already am. She helped me in a lot of ways and we had many conversations. I miss her low mystical voice and her insights. The way she paused to consider things, a mind always open to learn all things. The way she questioned everything and went so deep in lectures that my mind exploded every time. She is my hero, and one of the very few human on earth who might understand my soul.
Maybe it will make me feel better to just poke my head out and say hi. Maybe I remember them more than they remember me. But they shaped the better parts of me and I want to let them know I appreciate it. I also want to discuss something of interest to one of the professors, because I've been diving deep myself and I am curious about her thoughts on something that pretty much no one else I know would be able to have an educated discussion about. Maybe it wouldn't be as weird to email them now, in quarantine. Maybe it would inspire something at a time when inspiration is pretty limited to the confines of everyone's walls.
Happy memories:
university
Today's affirmation:
I can be my own hero, a mystical amalgamation of all I have loved and learned from
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
fearing bothering people. reaching out to say hi is a good trait of humanity. maybe I'll be glad I did.
maybe it will lead to some unknown opportunity.
I am grateful for:
my teachers who taught me all the things my parents couldn't
The person I am becoming will experience more:
strength in action
I accomplished:
did a really good meditation last night, journaled, soul searched, calmed down
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
prepare meals
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
like a phoenix
10:18 a.m. - 2020-07-24