The Alcoholic is in one of his weird moods. He was eating breakfast I made and after awhile I asked if he wanted to watch comedy with me. "When?" he asked. "Whenever you feel like it," I said. He came over to sit next to me so I assumed that meant now was good. We watched some things for about 5 minutes and he was being weirdly serious, like scowling, not laughing at all, giving off a weird vibe. I paused the video and asked if he was feeling okay. He said he wanted to sit in the sun. "Oh, okay," I said, "go do that." "The sun is already gone," he said. (As if it was my fault that he didn't communicate, my fault that he is in a bad mood, my fault that he decided to sit next to me when I hadn't pressured him at all.)
Less than a minute after saying he doesn't want to watch tv he said, "I want to watch a movie." "You just said you didn't want to?" I said, confused. "I changed my mind," he said, the scowl still on his face. "Do you need to exercise?" I asked. "I don't know what I want," he said.
Um okay.
I told him I was going to my bed and that his weird mood is not my fault. Now I have anxiety and a weird feeling in my stomach -- for no reason of my own -- and so many regrets about helping him, as usual, but that's my fault for choosing to help him anyway. I chose to endure his suffering instead of being comfortable and peaceful alone, because I felt like no one deserves to be homeless. My bad. Self sacrifice bites me in the butt once again. I'm still trying but honestly I wouldn't mind a bit if he magically found somewhere else to live. I hate sex with him, every time we have sex I bleed, it seems like sex is really bad for my health, and he isn't great for my mental health although I've been managing the best I can.
Men are so exhausting. Worse than children, because they're more physically dangerous. At least he's not yelling today. At least not yet.
It's uncomfortable having an angry man in my house. Especially when even he doesn't seem to know why he is angry or what he even wants. Maybe I should just ask him if he wants to leave the country like he was going to do before I offered him free rent and free food and all the sex, which he seems not to appreciate. I'd certainly be better off if I didn't have to share my resources, time, and energy playing mommy for an ungrateful leech.
11:18 a.m. - 2020-08-09