I re-read entries from my wiser self who blossomed during spring 2020, before the Alcoholic returned. It was like a pep talk from my previous self, and it's obvious that my emotional state before and after solitude was far worse than during solitude, when I was in tip top mental and physical health for the first time in years.
This morning I decided I am done suffering, and I am probably done with my little marijuana binge too. Now that I've had a couple days to process, I'm feeling grateful for the peaceful silence and being happily reunited with myself again. The sun is shining in my windows and nothing is wrong and no one can grab at my body or get angry or make demands on me. My space is mine, my time is mine, and I am free from the torments of childish selfish men.
I moved all his crap out of sight yesterday and made a sort of canopy over my bed with sheer curtains, to switch up my environment. He broke my door off the hinge (by accident, for the second time. But he still denied it), so now I have to repair that, but it's okay, I'm just glad he's not here.
My first attempt to get rid of him lasted 3 months. This year I went 6+ months without him and they were the best months I've had in a long time. So now I'm thinking to aim for one year without him, since each time I double my previous record.
I think I'll avoid romance for a good long while, with men at least. I'm prescribing myself yoga, dance, sewing, pottery-making, meditation, and home beautification. It feels good to come home to myself.
11:33 a.m. - 2020-10-12