I'm getting back into the groove of my original routine, in which I start the day with coffee and historical research, anything from Neanderthals up to ancient times. It's more intellectually stimulating than being in the company of a man. Research makes all my brain synapses dance and play, in contrast to the way I feel when sitting on a couch with a man staring dead-eyed at a mind numbing tv, or trying to talk about anything halfway intelligent back and forth without interruption. Brain stimulation is even better than sex (which men also are not very good at.) I always feel so intellectually STARVED with men, whereas when I'm alone my mind is free to learn at my curiosity's whim.
Conversations with men, rather than a pleasant expansion of learning, become an ego competition or agenda to prove their dominance. As if everything always must be a war. Where is the substance? It feels like I'm HD but they can only interpret 8-bit. Real talk, relationships with men make me feel the same way I felt when I babysat my 2 year old cousin with a learning disability.
Anyway, I feel reunited with my authentic self, and grateful to have my mind stimulated again. I like using my mind to learn instead of my mind running on a treadmill of constant negotiation with a partner, wasting all my mental resources on emotional labor and deflecting arguments. It's nice to just, exist, without so many demands, complaints, moods... To focus on MY needs and interests for a change.
Happy memories:
hawaii, fish tacos, indigenous drumming, swimming all day
Today's affirmation:
LIFE IS WHAT I MAKE IT
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
I would like to completely block out my awareness of the existence of men. I'd like their dms to not phase me because I don't even notice. To quote The Craft: "You don't exist to me!"
I am grateful for:
restful sleep, learning, reading, caffeine, warmth, contentment
The person I am becoming will experience more:
art, learning, music, dance, culture
I accomplished:
yoga, meditation, journaling, and a dance party with myself last night :D
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
honor my sacred solitude and my sacred time
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
like I'm gettin' there
10:18 a.m. - 2020-10-15