Every day gets easier to be alone again. I made a week's worth of lunches to add to my growing variety of frozen pre-made meals for all the days when I won't feel like cooking, because a full stomach makes everything easier. Tomorrow plenty of goodies will be delivered to battle any pre-election anxiety or heartache that may arise. I think I'm back to survival mode again, which means I'll deal with my emotions at a later date when I have the luxury to do so. For now I have one goal, and that is to survive the election as painlessly as I can.
I'm still really mad, and outraged that he texts me now that it's too late. But I'm also choosing to trust that the universe knows what's best, and that things are evolving as they should. Now that I'm alone I'm fully present to give and receive mutual support with others again, which he couldn't give me when I needed it the most. My animals have been replacing him quite well, and are cuter and don't take too much or leave me crying for days. We nap together under my blankets and it seems to meet my oxytocin needs without the stress of his erratic moody comings and goings.
My friends are all nervous wrecks now. Imagine if they lived in my neighborhood, and if they were simultaneously experiencing recent heartbreak, and if they were totally alone... Still, I listened and told them reassuring things and tried to make them laugh a little. I didn't have any weed or alcohol today, didn't feel like I needed it. I've been toning down my caffeine intake and using more herbs like passionflower tea, lions mane, ashwagandha, kava tincture, skullcap... And taking naps and baths whenever I want. I've been lazy about yoga, but I've been putting more focused effort into meditation, and making sure to eat enough and take my vitamins. I'm fully nurturing myself and being very gentle on myself so that I can recharge and be ready for whatever the next absurd event is in this tragicomedy.
I talk with my ex a lot during the day, and he's a refreshing island of calm sanity in a sea of panic and dissociation. I'm grateful to have someone stable in my life other than my dad and my animals. Some of my friends are sane, they're just, more extroverted about their stress, whereas I tend to hide most of my emotions in this diary, because, honestly they don't seem like they can handle their own problems, let alone mine. But that's probably not a very helpful way for me to think. It's not that I don't also suffer, I just don't get why we need to make a big show of it. I don't know why I'm complaining though, because I really don't mind, except that it pains me to see people I love so unhappy and scared. I just want everyone to be happy and have absolutely everything they want and live happily ever after forever.
8:52 p.m. - 2020-10-28