I was at the same beach again in my recurring dream, in Israel. I'd recently come from a dusty warm Palestinian city enjoying life with friends, and now I was walking the promenade with my first ex. I felt so excited to be there. I stopped by the bathroom and a friendly orthodox woman told me some joke that maybe she'll leave her husband at 41. I continued walking with my ex. People were out swimming. A science documentary was on a big projector for people to watch outdoors. Most people were speaking Hebrew as they passed by. Ah! How I missed that. And now I was finally here again, with the Mediterranean Sea to my right, shops to my left, walking again toward... something in the distance that I want to see, the same something I am always walking toward in my dream. I'd mentioned going to Tel Aviv earlier in my dream, so I think that's where I was, or somewhere very near it. Maybe I was headed toward Jaffa, the old city with the mosque minaret at the tip of Tel Aviv, because in previous dreams, I'm walking toward old crumbling limestone structures. (Why do I always dream of ruins?)
We were walking past some Japanese street performers when my ex suddenly became angry at me out of nowhere, even though I hadn't even spoken while excitedly taking in the sights. He turned abruptly away from me, veering toward the street performer, who said something like 'Dude, please don't do that. You did that last time!' "I'm sorry," I said, even though I hadn't done anything and I didn't even know what was wrong with my ex.
"Are you okay, what's wrong?" I asked him. He gave me angry silence. "Did I say something? Can you communicate so I can fix it?" Still silence. Okay. (So often I find myself in this situation in real life.) Not seeing any progress with my mute angry ex, I walked ahead faster until I was alone. The sky was gray. I walked into a small amphitheater to sit. Only one other person was there, a man with striking green eyes against dark skin, practicing a song on his guitar. I searched my bag for a mirror to check my face but couldn't find it.
I got up and continued walking. News was blaring on public tv screens. The temperature was rising in odd increments which was highly unusual, the tv voice said. I heard a loud POP. One of the lights along the promenade exploded. Then another and another. I started walking back the other way. Strange ads on the tvs showed evangelicals with creepy smiles reassuring us that everything was fine. Why was my ex mad at me? I thought. Why does this always happen?
I woke up, still wondering, why every time someone gets angry at me, they're never able to verbalize whatever I did wrong to provoke them, and it always happens when I least expect it, when I'm happy or just going about my business, or enjoying a show, or laughing. Is it normal? Am I doing something wrong without knowing, or am I habitually choosing people who react in this way? If several of my friends and lovers have dissociative disorder, is that because of a pattern I'm reenacting, or do I also disassociate without being aware of it? How scary to think about. I remember everything and can verbalize it, so, I don't think I do that? (But it can't always be that it's everyone else and nothing to do with me, can it?) Anyway, how would I know! They never communicate! And when they do, the answer is "I don't know why I did that." :/
I sat up and checked my phone. The Alcoholic had texted an hour earlier that he needs to come for his stuff.
9:00 a.m. - 2020-10-29