Intense and challenging feelings this morning.
I know hormones are amplifying it, but I keep fantasizing about my broken skull on pavement and blood oozing out. An ending. Something final. Everything is so half finished in my life. There are no official endings where endings are needed:
- separated, not divorced, for way too many years
- mother missing but maybe alive? maybe not? who knows
- on and off relationship that feels impossible to escape or move on from
- family, out there, somewhere... there, but not.
- friends, out there somewhere (on a yacht, in poly relationships, recklessly living it up while I practice distancing)
- partial belongings, partial memberships, partial identities. never 100%.
- i dip toes in potential new relationships but i never feel safe, never feel like i can relax into it like i used to, and even when i did, it just left me with deeper disappointments because i'd put all my eggs in one basket
I need to exercise boundaries so often with people and their frequent microaggressions, or even just careless mistakes, that I feel like all of life has become "hi again, bye again." Constant on and off switch with alternating loved ones. So I try to just be alone for as long as I can stand it, but sometimes I remember I'm human, I'll dream of being loved, of being touched, of feeling safe, and then I wake up ...
What's worse is this isn't the time to be making big life changing decisions like moving to a different continent, or whatever it takes to break free, at least for a little while. I'm already kind of doing the best I can in this situation. I am financially secure yet financially trapped so it's not in my best interest to make sudden changes. Can't do much about the mom situation. And dating just seems like a really stupid idea right now, all around.
So I continue just trying to make the best of it. Like we all do.
Menstruation will eventually start. I'll relax and things will seem more manageable. I'll do my best. Maybe even forget about all these things. Until the next time they bubble back up, still undealt with, still unresolved. Hi again, bye again...
10:59 a.m. - 2020-12-29