Breast pain has been so intense I've been in bed for days, surviving on aspirin and weed. Which sucks because the weather was perfect for hiking -- and I couldn't even keep the windows open because construction sawing noises started up again, of course. And I was too tired to meditate last night, so of course my night terrors returned and I woke myself up yelling at 5 am. Oh and my cat peed all over the bathroom floor.
What did I do last year that my chronic breast pain went away completely? Hmm, I talked to no one. I took chlorella and spirulina, maybe one of those helped? I had to talk to people over video this month and had to drink to suffer through that, so maybe that's all the human related stress it took to propel me to pre-quarantine stress levels?
Funny how as a teenager I talked on the phone all day and all night without any stress. It used to be fun. Now it feels treacherous and tedious. It's always dodging pushy sexual invitations or nervously making sure to quickly give compliments when they put themselves down and trying to sound as warm and loving as I can so no one can find a reason to attack me. I also have to tolerate all the things I disagree with, by listening and nodding and validating. It's a lot of work and it's not very rewarding. It's more of a fear-based work. Walking on eggshells work.
It was so easy to make friends and socialize when I was a kid. I don't get it. Maybe it's just the times we're living in but now I often feel like I'm living in a zombie movie where everyone has gone survivalist or is trying to eat my brains. Or like people are just waiting for me to make one mistake so they can be like 'A-HA! YOU'RE NOT PERFECT AFTER ALL! BITCH!' so they can have someone to blame.
I think a lot of it is about the times we live in, emotionally immature social media propaganda, internet narcissism, pandemic, bad economy, all rolled into one. I don't think I can blame myself for the anxiety I feel, because I didn't used to be this way, and because I seem to still enjoy conversations with my dad, and I generally appreciate and love everyone I know, even if I don't necessarily want to engage in a conversation with them for an hour.
In the Beforetimes I was told I'm very good at conversation, and I know I can be, but we're living in extraordinary times and conversations are no longer casual or easy because so much is so heavy. I held out with humor for a long time but not everyone copes with humor. Some prefer to wallow in misery, which is fine but isn't much fun. I wasted enough of my life doing that and now I'd just rather isolate unless the people I'm talking to know how to laugh at life's miseries. It takes a bit of a dark sense of humor. But I'll laugh at nearly anything now, anything to lighten the heaviness that everyone seems to always want to tell me about all the time. Jokes are my life support.
8:47 a.m. - 2021-02-24