I've been microdosing weed evenings only but this morning I did something I rarely do. I took a full dose as soon as I got out of bed, because I woke up and saw that the Alcoholic texted last night. There's no point in explaining anything to him at this point. Crying seems pointless, even though it's what I feel like doing. Blocking him for whatever reason doesn't work so I have to change my whole phone number. :( It's hard for me to remember numbers and I chose one with a nice rhythm and I resent needing to change it but I think I need to. :(
I feel my throat constricting and tears clearly ignoring my statement that it's pointless to cry. But I can still do a gratitude list, even with blurry eyes and anger and hurt and all these thoughts. I'm grateful I might actually get to see people some day soon. I'm grateful that I'm strong and have survived every single thing men have done to try to break me. I'm still here bitches. I'm grateful for the food I have and the place I live. I'm grateful that this morning I was cuddled by a cat who always stays by my side.
[Enter thoughts about my mom.] Yes, brain, I could be sad about that too. But I can't take her mental illness personally. Nothing she did was ever about me. She was the same with everyone. And I can't be mad at someone who is homeless, even if by choice. (...If you can call mental illness a choice.) Her disappearance feels a lot like the Alcoholic. Similar to 'why do I always love the crazy ones and then am so hurt when they inevitably betray me.' I didn't choose these men because they had their shit together. I fell in love because, well because they wanted to, but also because they felt like home to me. What could be more familiar than living with a crazy person with addictions who disappears for days at a time?
I need to remember that I'm breaking my own heart, and I don't need to. I don't need to rehash everything in my mind or focus on why he's like this. I can be sad. I'd rather leave it at that raw feeling because it isn't just about him but a culmination of every time I've been treated that way by anyone. I don't need to hate him, or love him. I can just sit with and breathe through the raw feeling of sadness. It is okay to cry sometimes.
8:20 a.m. - 2021-02-26