It's been over a week and my vaccine side effects are still hellish. Every day now I decline invites and have to explain for the zillionth time why I have decided not to torture my body further with a second dose, and list all my side effects, and repeat myself ad nauseum, 'yes I've tried that, yes I know, yep, uh huh' until I'm allowed to make decisions about my own body and be left alone to suffer in peace. It's going to be a long summer of saying no, and defending my no's against why I should just suffer more in order to see them. No. No. Still no. I'm going to throw my phone out the window pretty soon.
I read some article about how most people are lonely so most pandemic nightmares are about being lost in space or alone on the moon. These do not sound like nightmares to me. My nightmares typically involve trying to get away from people or escaping crowds.
I thought my night terrors went away early in pandemic because I quit substances and started meditating, but now that they've returned now that my phone is blowing up and social pressures are back with a vengeance, it's obvious my nightmares are triggered by humans. Welp. At least now I know I'm doomed to be a recluse. I shouldn't say doomed -- being a recluse in some far away place actually sounds really nice. I'm weird. What else is new.
Happy memories:
Before all these side effects obviously. All my travel memories were happy. Maybe someday I can safely do that again.
Today's affirmation:
I will listen to my body and relax so it can heal -- even if it means ignoring my phone for awhile.
I am grateful for:
My clean beautiful home. I raided apartment therapy for a couple days for inspiration and have slowly been cleaning and decluttering and rearranging again for a brand new atmosphere. I love it. I am also grateful for the essential oil scented epsom salt I made yesterday which smells divine. I made a lot of it, so I put some in the fanciest glass bottle I have to put on display so I feel like I'm in a luxury spa. I am also grateful for my plants which I transplanted and trimmed. I'm grateful for these gentle quiet moments when I periodically feel less sick and at peace in my own company.
The person I am becoming will experience more:
health
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
meditate, yoga
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
grateful
4:09 p.m. - 2021-05-01