Week two of healing from my dad's rage episode. (Why do some grown adults still yell like toddlers?)
I made myself oats with cherries, and coffee with extra strength saffron for resilience. I've upped my meditations, doing yoga nidras now so I can release any tension clinging to my body.
If only my dad made the same efforts to tend to his mental health, I wouldn't have to work twice as hard to cope with his problems on top of my own.
To him therapy is something only weak people do. Major red flag. Explains my patterns with men, especially when yelling and verbal abuse was a regular occurence in my life, back when I thought that was normal.
Men found plenty of other methods to abuse me since then but at least in the last decade of my adulthood I hadn't been yelled at, until last week. It's progress I guess. I've managed to keep myself safe from at least one kind of harm, and to identify it as abuse. I found peace by learning boundaries.
It's too bad women have to stay so vigilant all the time, instead of men NOT irresponsibly manspreading problematic behavior so that women and children might live without fear for once.
Despite everything I've been through, despite my high ACE childhood trauma score, and despite every trauma in adulthood, I haven't yelled at anyone. Isn't that funny how I can control my behavior, but a man can go 'boo hoo I angy' and shoot up a crowd or kill their girlfriend, and elicit pity for their victim mentality. It's so weak. I guarantee no abusive man has been through half of what I've been through, yet I find it extraordinarily easy to not rape or kill or yell or injure people. Grow a pussy.
Well I didn't get to tell my dad how I learned the whole choreography and can now do it without mistakes, and how I didn't give up and keep practicing every day. He won't see the final result or smile when he sees how quickly I learned and adapted to a new genre outside my comfort zone and threw myself into it with a positive attitude.
I don't fight others. I only battle my own "demons." I fight for my mental health, to never become the monsters who raised me, who were really just children who never emotionally matured. They unwittingly developed my superpower of being able to maneuver through life with the grace of a dancer even while dodging erratic tantrums right and left. I can dance circles around people like that, and still smile. That's what real strength looks like.
My friends want to see me today before the mask mandate partially lifts, since last time that happened delta swept through town and we weren't able to socialize. My period is due today though, so that might complicate things. I hope not, because I haven't seen them in two entire years. Whatever will be, will be!
11:05 a.m. - 2021-10-15