Slept well. The cat sleeps closer and closer to my face every morning. I got up and petted my rodent's soft cheeks in the sunlight. The cat sniffed her. Sometimes the cat licks her and the rodent lets her. It is so cute.
I think I really needed time alone because I feel much better this morning, and am very appreciative of the silence. It's good to have my little sanctuary back. I'm keeping my phone on night mode today because I need a day off from other people's problems.
I might bake myself oats and fruit for the week, as soon as I finish this matcha latte I made because every store is out of coffee every time I try to order it. Guess I'm not the only one in town with a caffeine problem. My stomach has been fucked up for weeks, so this week I want to focus on healing it with low fodmap foods, gentle core exercises, and d-mannose if it's a co-occuring infection which I suspect.
I feel very alone out here, not in a lonely-for-interaction way, but from a survival standpoint. When I was younger I'd feel taken care of by doctors, teachers, neighbors, grandparents... I had some guidance from people who seemed like they might know what they're doing. I felt like someone could catch me if I fall. But as an adult I sense that no one knows what they're doing and no one can save me if I make a mistake. It was scary to have parents who didn't know what they were doing when I was a kid, but now it's double scary because now they're even worse and really can't take care of themselves. They dealt with nothing their whole adult lives so now it all falls on me, even more than before.
It's hard to know how to help insecure people who think they'll feel better if they make me feel bad about myself. I have so much empathy for nurses and doctors who have to deal with tantrums from ungrateful covid patients all day who think the people saving their lives are the enemy. I feel like I've had that dynamic with loved ones my whole life. Crying for me to save them while they berate and belittle me. I guess that's probably why I already had burnout by age 27.
I'm at a total loss for why anyone would lean on me in the first place. I have no qualifications. I'm frail and tired all the time and really just want to be left alone because it feels like whenever I let someone in they do exactly what men do to the earth, using all my resources until I'm left with nothing. I don't want to feel that way, but adults attach themselves to my tit and just won't let go. It's frightening.
Fortunately, in this moment, right now, I can finally prioritize taking care of ME. I can, hopefully without guilt, spend one day nurturing my own health, without worrying about my mentally ill family members or my alcoholic boyfriend who already quit two jobs in january, or the depressed friend who unfollowed me for not replying fast enough, and other things I won't complain about right now, because today I reserve the right to repair myself without guilt or anxiety for not helping everyone else first.
10:02 a.m. - 2022-02-16