Why did I take responsibility for the Alcoholic?
Well probably because he blamed me for everything, lol.
His voice was much louder than mine and talked over my needs, as if more urgent than mine. He acted more outwardly distressed, in crisis, always a new emergency.
He is more indigenous than me and he held that over my head as if it was my job to amend the evils of conquest 500 years ago, even though my ancestors were also victims of this, I am more indigenous than Spanish, and he's actually more Spanish than me, because my dna spans 6 continents, too complex for him. But he tans better because as a male he can safely walk in this hood as he pleases without a bodyguard, and so he implied it was my responsibility to save him every time he made bad choices, because he's not responsible for his actions, it's generational trauma's fault that makes him drink, not his. I'd be silently watching a movie with him and he'd randomly look over at me and say with an angry face out of nowhere, "You're Spanish, aren't you?" To belittle me. And I'd have to gently remind him that he's more Spanish than me, but correcto, I am mestiza, is that a problem? Shall I flog myself that my Moorish Berber ancestors fled Spain to avoid being murdered? I thought the Inquisition was over. Shit, my bad. I already pay for everything, what else does he need? Does he need me to wipe his ass for him too? Sorry for being born a mixed woman.
Pendejo.
I was tolerant because he was actually a major upgrade compared to the ex before him!
And these microaggressions against mixed people are just part of the mixed experience, hardly something any mixed person can avoid. I regularly deal with comments like that even in own family, regardless of race, and there's nowhere safe from that, so I accept it. My dad is dark, I am not, and I've spent my entire life apologizing for not being enough for anyone anywhere. I was born wrong, my skin is an error, everything's my fault, I get it... M thinks it's fun being treated like an outsider everywhere I go? Is that a privilege to be abused by men who view me as nothing more than an exotic trophy to use and discard? Shall I thank him for the privilege of letting me clean his pee off my floor while he tries to make me feel ashamed of who I am? For abandoning me when he got me pregnant?? Enough, manchild!
I hate that so many men drink but I can't change the dating pool. He was probably too drunk to even remember the things he shouted at me and probably won't even admit he relapsed. I never foresaw this would be my life. I didn't think I was at all the type of woman who'd end up in domestic violence situations in relationships with alcoholics.
Isolation is better than abuse. I'm nauseous when I think about it, so I shouldn't. But sometimes it helps to get it out of my head and into this diary, when these thoughts arise.
3:25 p.m. - 2022-12-07